TRUTH

This is the truth
If you turn things upside down
You can't hope for your life to change
I would be lying to you if I said that
You have a great future ahead
That you can recover from your past mistakes
That your life could be filled with joy
That your children could be safe and healthy
More than anything you must know
Human beings can not accomplish these things
And I am convinced of this because I know you
All you are capable of is failure
You have made a complete mess of your life and
I refuse to believe under any circumstances that
You can turn things around in the coming years
You may think your life is bad now but
There's more to come
You have only one destiny
And whether you like it or not
This is what is real

I am the LORD your God

You should know I believe exactly the opposite

I am the LORD your God

This is what is real
and whether you like it or not
You have only one destiny
There's more to come
You may think your life is bad now but
You can turn things around in the coming years
I refuse to believe under any circumstances that
You have made a complete mess of your life and
All you are capable of is failure
And I am convinced of this because I know you
Human beings can not accomplish these things
More than anything you must know
That your children could be safe and healthy
That your life could be filled with joy
That you can recover from your past mistakes
You have a great future ahead
I would be lying to you if I said that
You can't hope for your life to change
If you turn things upside down
This is the truth

I can not take credit for this, I found it on a video website. The video scrolls each line slowly and about a minute into it...I was thinking...surely this is not making the point I think its making...then, the video stops, and restarts, by scrolling everything you have just seen, in reverse order. It took my breath away. I was reminded how often, I read "truth" with a distorted vantage point...how my own sin, and my daily inclination to believe the twisted view of Satan, and how, his message is really just tweaked enough for me to believe it. He does not need me disavow my Lord...only question Him. And once I question Him, I have started down a different path, and Satan has succeeded.

Oh, that I would hold truth closely to my heart, and guard it with my life. That I will know the scriptures, and hence KNOW the TRUTH.

Tears

I said in a previous post that I am a natural crier. Not like a whiny cry baby, just one who lets them flow when the time seems to hit me. Well, I am bawling my eyes out right now...and not really for any reason. I have been very deep in thought this past week and I guess that I just decided that I needed to cry about it. I feel like I am a wreck right now...because I am seemingly crying over sad stuff AND happy stuff at the same time.

Tears for my brother:

I am so saddened by my brothers poor choices and the agony that my parents are going through yet again.

I am grieved that Satan is spending overtime wrestling for Sam's life and at the moment he seems to be ahead in the race.

I am overjoyed that "the Lord hears our cries and binds up the brokenhearted" Psalm 34:19
For I know that my parents are mortally wounded and living daily with their hearts broken.

I am blessed that they have not given up on Sam, and that their trust is in the Lord.

I am devastated that Sam is an addict and that this is not just a phase, but a lifestyle.

I am speechless that 100's of people are praying everyday for redemption in Sam's life.

I am joyful that the Lord has blessed our family with an abundance of love and support.

I am hopeful that Sam will lean on that support during this time.


Tears for my family:

I am blessed to have a loving husband who, despite sounding cheesy, completes me.

I am in awe that my children, despite all my flaws, still enjoy homeschooling.

I am honored to be able to stay at home with our children because my husband chooses to be a hard working and steadfast provider.

I am sad because my heart really wants another child and must remind myself daily that the Lord has not forgotten my request, but instead he is answering it in his divine timing, with sovereignty and with grace.

I grieved over my own selfishness (wanting another child when we already have been blessed with three wonderful kids) in light of knowing so many others who have no children, or even have had children and then grieved their loss as they watched their child go into heavens arms at a devastatingly young age.

I am in awe of the fact that my husband would give his life for me, in a moment and count it a worthy price to pay, and I am humbled.

Tears for my LORD:

I am not worthy, and yet he loves me.

I have failed him daily, and yet he renews me every morning.

I have been freed from the shackles that without him would cripple me.

I am a work in progress, and he loving shapes me instead of throwing me away.

My REDEEMER LIVES, the gave is empty, He has Risen!!!!

I believe, Lord help me in my unbelief.

Losing It...Literally

****This was originally posted on October 19, 2007 on my myspace page*****

It has been a really hard month. I feel like my life is just now catching up, and yet realizing at the same time, how far behind it still really is. I guess it has been more than a month, really. My husbands sister committed suicide on Aug 16th and then my best friend lost her dad unexpectedly a month later. So I guess after living about 6 weeks in a complete fog I have emerged. Unfortunately, not unscathed. And neither has my family.

My boys were on my very last nerve...literally. I had heard one too many arguements, one too many excuses, and the absolute last back talk. There was no "wit" left...I was simply at the end. So, it was no surprise when shortly after my husband got home from work today and was just kicking back in his man chair, that the following exchange happened.

Jared: "That's not fair, Mom. It was not my fault!!!!"

Me: "Jared, stop talking, close your mouth, do not say anther word"

Jared: "Mooooommmmmmm!!!!!"

Me: "I am not kidding...not another word"

Jared: no words...but I promise the most hateful look, complete with furrowed brows and pouty lip

Me: disclaimer...remember how stressed I was..."Jared, I promise you if you do not change your attitude, I will RIP YOUR FACE right off your head"

Jared turns and leaves the room

Husband (from man chair) "Did you just say, 'rip your face off your head?'"

Me: almost laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes..."My mind was thinking of, 'wipe that look off your face'"

Husband (still in man chair) "Okay, I was just checking...wanted to clarify that."

Me: "Do you believe me now that I am stressed out? Need any more proof?"

So, for all the moms who have ever lost it, (and then found it) this is for you.

Perfect? No.

Forgiven? Yes.

Originally posted on October 19, 2007



It has been a really hard month. I feel like my life is just now catching up, and yet realizing at the same time, how far behind it still really is. I guess it has been more than a month, really. My husbands sister committed suicide on Aug 16th and then my best friend lost her dad unexpectedly a month later. So I guess after living about 6 weeks in a complete fog I have emerged. Unfortunately, not unscathed. And neither has my family.
My boys were on my very last nerve...literally. I had heard one too many arguements, one too many excuses, and the absolute last back talk. There was no "wit" left...I was simply at the end. So, it was no surprise when shortly after my husband got home from work today and was just kicking back in his man chair, that the following exchange happened.


Crack: "That's not fair, Mom. It was not my fault!!!!"


Me: "Son, stop talking, close your mouth, do not say anther word"


Crack: "Mooooommmmmmm!!!!!"


Me: "I am not kidding...not another word"


Crack: no words...but I promise the most hateful look, complete with furrowed brows and pouty lip


Me: disclaimer...remember how stressed I was..."Son, I promise you if you do not change your attitude, I will RIP YOUR FACE right off your head"


He turns and leaves the room


Husband (from man chair) "Did you just say, 'rip your face off your head?'"


Me: almost laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes..."My mind was thinking of, 'wipe that look off your face'"


Husband (still in man chair) "Okay, I was just checking...wanted to clarify that."


Me: "Do you believe me now that I am stressed out? Need any more proof?"

So, for all the moms who have ever lost it, (and then found it) this is for you.


Perfect? No.


Forgiven? Yes.

Early Morning

This morning I had a really weird thing happen. First, I woke up around 4:40am and was WIDE awake. Not only fully swake, but somehow fully aware, if that makes any sense. My awareness led me in one direction...straight to the cross. I felt the huge urgency to pray. To go before my Lord and seek his peace and his direction. It was so wonderful. I went to sleep last night with a lot on my mind and shared my heavy heart with my husband(that is another blog) and after a few tears and a lot of laughter(hence the need for a blog on that) I went to sleep. I feared that I would wake up with a heavy heart and instead I woke up refreshed, and although I was not burdoen free, I was worry free. And, with my new frame of mind, I was able to spend about 20 minutes quietly praying before I got up and joined my husband for coffee. Thank you Lord, I needed the refreshment, and you, as always did not dissappoint.

Psalm 139:7-12

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you.

Blending

Oh, how I love to home school my children. Although it is really tough some days, the rewards far out number them. One of my favorite things has been teaching my children to read. My two oldest are 11 and almost 10 so the days have been numbered since we have been blending letters. But, alas, our daughter is 4 and has been very eager to read so we started her this year. We were just working on reading one of her "Little Books" and it starts with just saying the blends of certain letters that will be in this particular book. That was easy enough...she did them all perfectly. Then it goes on to blending two letters together. The first one was "fi" . So we dutifully worked on it and got it down...like pulling teeth almost but she got it and we were off to the next page..."fit" so she sounds out each letter by itself and then I show her that the first two make up the blend we just did and all she has to do is add the last letter. Not hard right??? Well, somehow she started making the "o" sound and then emerged the "g" sound. And by this time I am thinking...lets leave well enough alone. She was already done with her daily work and finished with school for the day but she brought it to me and asked if we could read "her" books, and I obliged. But, instead of leaving well enough alone I tried in vain to get the three letter blend out of her before we put it up. So I said, Lets try saying, "Mom, the blend says 'fi'." Instead she ended the lesson with...

"Momma, the bin is flend"

I fell out and put the books up.

Addiction

My brother Sam is a Meth Addict. He overdosed(which I think is a horrible word because there is no good "dose" when it comes to Meth) on Monday and is detoxing right now in a county facility in California. He is not even 21 yet and he has already been through rehab once. The hallucinations that he has had during the past 48 hours are truely demonic in nature...really scary, and a total reality that my family has to not only live through but witness. The paranoia is unreal...it alone could kill him. My parents are devestated as are all of us who call him brother. This is not a kind drug. It is horrible beyond comprehension. Worse than what you could ever imagine. I believe it is Satan's new drug of choice. It is life altering...brain damage is not unusaul...and it actually changes who you are...even when you have come down off of it. It does not discriminate...rich, poor, young or old...the list could go on...it is simply death.
Please pray and interceed on behalf of my brother Sam. Pray for his ears to open and his eyes be made to see. May he seek the Lord not to save him from himself but to REDEEM him for eternity. He NEEDS JESUS...and Jesus is so courting him...and we pray that Sam hears and obeys.
I am begging you to interceed...please.

Don't say it because I already know it...I am a total crybaby. I always cry at Hallmark commercials, Lifetime Movies, Extreme Home Makeover, and A Baby Story. Heck, I still cry EVERY time I hear our National Anthem(and do not even mention Taps). So it should not surprise you that my kids get it honestly.
One of my sweetest memories was when our family was watching the remake of Cheaper by the Dozen, and "FedEx" -the red headed brother-runs away. I, who was secretly teary, looked over at my younger son Jake(who is not usually my tenderhearted one) and he was crying. It really caught me off guard. He was really connecting with the story and with the sadness that the little boy was feeling. He was probably about 6 years old, but somehow, he really got it, and it broke my heart. I have seen similar moments in him since then, and it never ceases to make me teary. One thing that I always strived to do as a parent, from very early on, was to instill empathy in my children. It turns out to be quite the task in such a self-centered world, but moments like this one restore my hope. Those kind of tears make me proud.
Another teary moment came a few weeks ago when our oldest son came into my room about twenty minutes after we had sent him to bed. He asked if he could talk to me, and I immediatly knew that something was wrong. He started bawling, I mean really choked up, sobbing and I kept telling him that I could not help him until he shared with me what was going on. He finally got it togther(still sobbing, but understandable now) and said that he just could not tell me because we would be so upset and we would never trust him again. Fast forward 15minutes and he finally gets around to confessing a bad choice he made 9 months ago at a sleepover. This was made worse (in his mind) because he knew that I was uneasy about him being with that particular group(it was his year end baseball party...good kids, but a few bad apples among them) And he had worked very hard to convince us that he would be fine. Here he was...9 months later, and he was so convicted about deceiving us, that he said he could not sleep. Come to find out, we had been reading a book about the true character of a man, and that the decisions he makes in secret are the ones that tell what he is truely made of. Well, Jared had been mulling over this incident in light of that reading and conviction came upon him. I'll take those kind of tears any day.
Lastly, our daughter Micah. She is only 3 1/2, and her emotions are mainly love, joy, and happiness mixed in with the occasional evil eye, or pouty lip. But yesterday she blew me away. Let me set the stage...for the past 12 or 13 years I have been performing dramatic mimes, set to music, at our church. The last time I did one it was about 4 years ago.(actually while prego with Micah) But our worship pastor asked me to perform one during Easter this year. So yesterday, we all headed into town, dropped the boys and Jeff at baseball practice and Micah and I headed to the church so I could practice on stage. The music started (Watch the Lamb by Ray Boltz) and I began to run through the motions. About a minute into it I look down, and Micah is sobbing on the front row. I kept going through the motions but I asked her what is wrong. She tells me that she can not find her page in the Avon book that has the Backyardigans on it. So, I ran down, found it and then resumed. She quieted down but halfway through the second run through she was sobbing again. I went and sat next to her and asked "Why the tears???" She said, "Mommy that song makes me so sad" I hugged her and told her it was okay to be sad. Jesus died on the cross, but then I told her that we should rejoice because he did not stay there, he arose. After thinking for a moment I asked her if she was going to okay. She said,"Yes, but I can not hear that song anymore, because it makes me hurt to be that sad." Tears because she was moved, I will take those any day too.
Tears of empathy, tears of conviction, and tears of sadness...priceless. Next time you think of a crybaby, think again, they might just be the most mature person in the room.

Adjectives

Big Daddy,the love of my life, running in the rain, falling in the rain, having that slow motion romantic movie moment and knowing that he was the ONE, so funny that I laugh my self to sleep in secret most nights (so he doesn't know I think he is THAT funny), great story teller, awesome dad, even better husband, manly man, strong hands and sexy feet, can not grill to save his life and it's always at the expense of those eating, peanut butter lover, tuna hater, never seen him in a suit(don't want to either, he is a jeans man)
Crack, super smart, quick learner, avid reader, brick house(like his mom), crooked crack, "there's the moon", great with kids, loves his family, great friend, chick magnet, drama king, sleep talker,money spender, super slugger, kind hearted, great big brother, chocolate hater,horrible story teller.
Snake the snake, so hilarious, animal lover, super slueth who is great at puzzles, word searches, wheel of fortune, and I Spy, salad hater, sleep walker, tree climer, bug lover, tenderhearted, future heartbreaker and stand up comedian, introspective, non-risk taker if asked or pressured, but total risk taker if done on his own, money saver, super sweet tooth, keeper of all things.
The Beez, lover of all girly things, nail polish, lipstick, tea parties and feather boas, super snuggler, "skin" lover, Toby Mac fan, dumpling maker, bug hater, animal lover, daddy's girl, baby stalker, sleep giggler, goofy like Jake, talker like Jared, best eye brows ever, shoe addict, and "di pee-um" lover.
I was just counting my blessing and thinking of how different we all are and yet how we fit perfectly together. There is no other family on the earth that should be mine, this is the one...God is SO good!!!

So how is it that your children always get sick when your spouse is out of town on business??? I can not count the times that one of our children have visited the doctor, let alone the times they have ended up in the ER when daddy is away. And it is never something easy like say a broken arm, or some other no brainer. It is always the mystery illness...the random fever...the unwavering tears...You know the kind that stops right when you pull into the ER parking lot and you stop and question yourself,"is it really that bad, or is it just my imagination?" Or my new favorite(because I fell victim just hours ago when we took a trip to the ER because Beez was waking up every 15 screaminig about her right ear hurting...mind you we were at the doctor for another reason this afternoon and her ear was fine) But back to the story, I finally decide to cart her off to the ER to be checked after 3 hours of misery...unending tears, break your heart sobs...so I call my sister and tell her husband that I need to bring the boys to their house so I can take Beez to the ER(remember Big Daddy is in FL...working) wake up the boys, which was funny to begin with because Snake had been coughing so I gave him nighttime cough medicine...so he was looney, and off to KC's we go. Beez cries all the way there (5 minutes) and then stops when we arrive. Boys get out, I update KC and we are off.
Fifteen minutes later I am a few blocks from the ER when Beez starts laughing to herself in the backseat about the Backyardigans. So I did what any mother would do...I pulled over and demanded that she decide if she was hurting enough to go to the hospital or should we just go home...okay, so since she is only 3yrs old, I basically argued with myself, and in the end decided that it wouldn't be the first or last time I played the part of the overproctective parent and went on.
Turns out, she has a really bad ear infection, we were in and out in less than an hour. Now I am sitting here wondering if when I was argueing with myself...was it really doubt or intuition all along?

Be the Moon

Last summer a friend of mine was wearing a T-shirt that said..."Be the Moon" I thought about it for a moment and then finally had to ask.."What does your shirt mean?" She said that we are to be a reflection of Christ in our daily lives..just like the moon is simply a reflection of the sun. I have often pondered this exchange, not b/c I disagree, but b/c I totally agree. Since that conversation, many times I have simply said to myself, "Self, what are you reflecting?" My answer was not always a good one, but just posing the question seemed to put me in a better place. Fast forward to this last week, I was fishing with my husband and kids(yes, we fish for fun in MS, my daughter Micah, caught the most that day!!!) and I was struck by the reflection of this old ratty, no leaves, ugly, barren tree that stood next to the pond. The tree was nothing special, it had no beautiful qualities about it. Its surroundings did not help its case for beauty either. And yet, I was speechless as to the beauty of its reflection in the water. You see the backdrop to the tree was some old ratty buildings, some broken down trailers(as in homes) and more bleak and barren trees. But in the reflection, only the tree was present...not the ugliness behind it. And somehow, the barren lonely tree that stood before me, was transformed into a thing a radiance and beauty. The skeleton that looked worn and tattered in its real state, became in its reflection a thing a true beauty. I once again stopped and asked myself," Self, are you like that tree?" And Self answered humbly, "I sure hope so."

Homechooling

I can not believe that I have been teaching my children at home for 6 years...where has the time gone??? Every day brings a new a challenge and with that sometimes I feel like I have been blessed beyond measure and other times I wonder why I am cursed! What a huge responsibility to train up a child...I feel so honored to walk this path yet sometimes the details cloud my mind. Are we doing enough science? What about a foreign language? Am I instilling in them a desire to learn or just a desire to compleste a task? The good moments are like gold...and I feel validated...but then sometimes I let satan trick me and I feel worthless and completely not prepared to do the tasks. Thank GOD, for GRACE. I need a lot of it. For myself and for my children...Oh, that the Lord walks with me...takes my hand and leads the way. So, as I start our second semester and the holidays are behind us...Lord give me clarity, give me purpose, and pour out grace on us all.

ER

4/30/2007 10:56 AM

The phone rang this morning. It was my friend Shawna. She was not feeling well, and was going to take herself to the ER. She just wanted me to know so that I could get her kids if she did not make it home before they did. This of course was ridiculous because the reason that she was going to the ER was chest pains…like I would even let her drive herself!!! So I gathered up my passel of children, including snacks and GameBoy DS, and we headed to pick her up at work. We are now at the ER waiting to hear back on the blood work, so far her heart seems fine, and her oxygen is normal. Throughout the morning I have tried to keep her spirits up, cracking jokes and reminding her that I owed her a ride to the ER anyway, since she took me back in August. I was not as good of a patient as she is now, I was the moaning and hollering type, a great memory for the both of us. As they were drawing her blood work, I saw a sign that read “If you take Viagra please tell the nurse” I told her she better just let them know now. She laughed. We continued to chuckle about the funny nurse who was seeing her, his name is Jeff, which made us laugh to begin with, he informed us that if the monitor started beeping because her heart stopped to make sure and holler at him…and he would run go get the paddles…he loved to use them…to which I replied that we could get them and use them anyway, it could be fun. The X-ray department like her chest so much the tried to take her twice to get a picture of it…she politely declined. My boys are out in the waiting room…really tough life, watching cartoons, and Micah is in the room with us…I am sure we are about to get kicked out because she is SO loud…which is made worse when she was listening to my MP3 player, sitting right next to me and yelling that my favorite song was on. She is also the town crier…every time the blood pressure machine beeps(which it does every 5 minutes) Beez announces, “that beep means it’s time to check on the brothers” like they are in the microwave and are ready for us to eat them. After about 4 hours, the novelty of getting out of school has worn off and my kids, who have now joined us in the ER exam room are growing weary. They have already eaten a weeks worth of snacks, watched 3 Andy Griffiths on the DVD player, and are longing for a change of scenery. So I inquire about an estimated time frame, jokingly asking if we were looking at 15 minutes and my kids could just be hungry till we made it home, or if I should just give up and take them down to the cafeteria…Jeff, our comedian nurse quipped, ”its looking like cafeteria time kids” So now the fun really begins. My kids were in “field trip” mode…like this was going to be some kind of adventure or something…an elevator ride, a long dim hallway, that at last lead us to the grandeur of the hospital cafeteria. They obviously knew something I did not…this turned out to be quiet the adventure. You would have thought that Jared had never been to a restaurant before…and Beez, still being louder than even humanly possible, was giving us a loud speaker version of the Crum lunch play by play. I was torn between praying that nobody would recognize us and begging for someone to know us, and at least validate that we were not always this circus-like spectacle. Did I mention, that even though we did manage to get dressed and get our teeth brushed, that no one had a chance to brush their hair…me included. The kids all had bed-head and I was no better with all mine pulled back in a pony tail and not a stitch of makeup. So we finally and miraculously made it through our lunch field trip and headed back to the ER to check on Shawna. It was quickly decided that I should go and pick up her kids, which I did. She was finally released that evening, with a take home monitor to boot. All in all, a very interesting day. The laundry went undone. The house stayed a wreck, due in part to the tornado of us rushing to leave earlier that day. My email, survived without me checking on it, as did my myspace page. And the kids never did get their hair brushed. Kind of like a MasterCard commercial. All the prices paid that day did not compare to the moments helping a friend in need. PRICELESS. Come to think of it, I guess the kids did go to school that day…the school of life.

What I am and what I am NOT-the confession

I am NOT a good housekeeper. While I would admit that I get it honestly, it still does not change the fact that our house is not as “together” as I would like it. There is always a pile on the end of the counter, my desk is cluttered, and the stack of random items by the door is the only visible sign that I actually do attempt to make a difference. (The pile is of things that do not “live” in my house, like library books, gifts for others, things that I have that belong to someone else, and things that just need to be moved out of the house and into the storage shed)
I am NOT very patient with incompetence. I really struggle with anyone in a position that can not fulfill the duties that the afore mentioned position requires. The grocery clerk that does not know the difference between bananas and plantains or peaches and nectarines, really aggravate me.
I am NOT empathetic for those who have no empathy. That select group of human beings brings me more frustration towards the plight of the human race than any other…the main problem being that 2 out of 3 people most likely fall into that group.
I am NOT a bystander. And I often get aggravated when others stand by without appropriate action.
I am NOT a successful business woman. I always thought I would be climbing the corporate/academic ladder, and I am not.
I am NOT particularly political.
I am NOT inventive.
I am NOT artistic.
I am NOT perfect.
I am NOT a genius.
I am NOT a financial wizard.
I am NOT attentive to detail.
I am NOT a historian or a novelist.
I am NOT extravagant.
I am NOT plain.
I am NOT in as good a shape as I would like (mentally, spiritually, or physically).
I am NOT a doctor or a lawyer.
I am NOT an escape artist or a con artist.
I am NOT prolific in anything in particular.

I AM blessed beyond measure and merit.
I AM a wife, mother, daughter, and sister.
I AM a loyal friend.
I AM beloved by GOD
I AM an imperfect home schooling mother.
I AM a witness to my own life.
I AM a liar, a thief, a blasphemer, and an idol worshiper.
I AM a work in progress.
I AM redeemed.
I AM flawed.


Love me for who I AM for I will not defined by what I am NOT.