While I am appreciative of the fact that she really milked it for all it was worth, in the end the stupid thing fell out anyway, and hence opened the floodgate of my soul.
I distinctly remember when our oldest lost his first tooth...we were calling everybody and counting the days to the Tooth Fairies arrival. But with The Beez, although there were lots of phone calls, as there should be with such a rite of passage, there were also lots of tears...on my part.
It is no secret to anyone who really knows me that 4 has always been my magic number for children. It has always been four...maybe even 5...but always 4. After we had our boys within 15 months of each other...no I was not on drugs...we decided to wait a few years to have more. I relished that time as Mom to 2 Boys...it was a magical time. I was so young, and thought I knew so much, but in the end I think we all figured it out together.
Then 5 years later, we were blessed with The Beez...I had always thought I would want 3 & 4 as close to 1 & 2, but reality hit, and so we waited. Once again, I relished being a mom to 3...what a difference pink makes.
With a long awaited DisneyWorld vacation on the horizon, this roller coaster riding momma did not want to have to skip out so we decided to start trying on our vacation for my magic number 4.
Well, I guess roller coasters and reproduction don't go well, because somehow, my previously fertile myrtle self was just not cooperating. Finally, A YEAR later, we were pregnant.
I was beside myself...magic number 4 was on its way.
But, only days after our wonderful news, our world came crashing down with complications that ended up with us in the ER. Our friend was the Dr on call, and he said that either I was not as far along as we thought, or something was clearly not right.
Something was clearly not right. After countless ultrasounds and blood work with nothing concrete on the horizon as far as a diagnosis the Dr assumed that it must be ectopic. For the next 4 weeks the needles continued with blood work every 48 hours to see if the methotrexate had worked and would save me from surgery.
It did not and sadly one of the most frightening days of my life ensued. I ruptured at home, in the early morning, alone with my kids who were all sleeping soundly in their beds and never heard my cries for help for over an hour. Finally, my oldest heard me and found me on the floor of the bathroom and called my dearest friend who got me to the hospital.
Magic number 4 was not to be the summer of 2006.
And neither in the winter of 2008 when another early miscarriage took precious life from within me.
And, so now, as I slip on my Fairy shoes to make a night time delivery, I am reminded it will be the first time, for the last time.
The future for Big Daddy and I is laid before us...Crack, Snake and The Beez.
Three is not a bad number, it is just not what my plan had picked.
But none of this surprises The One I serve, and if His "Plan A" for my life is Mom to 3, then I will cherish my first and last with a fierce heart.
My quiver is full and I pray my heart will follow suit.
2 comments:
Oh April, thank you for sharing your heart. You have such a great ability to write and put your thoughts beautifully on each post.
It must have been so hard to carry and then lose #4 and in such a painful way. Especially when it was your dream number - to have 4 children. I am sorry for your loss. Like you said, that is God's plan for your life and none of us can argue that.
I love you my precious daughter. You are a wonderful mother to your special three. I praise the Lord for you everyday. I know and understand the feelings you are going through. I too wanted just one more. I think it's normal. Thank you for sharing your inmost thoughts.Relish every moment making them memories. Love, mom
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