****This was originally posted on October 19, 2007 on my myspace page*****
It has been a really hard month. I feel like my life is just now catching up, and yet realizing at the same time, how far behind it still really is. I guess it has been more than a month, really. My husbands sister committed suicide on Aug 16th and then my best friend lost her dad unexpectedly a month later. So I guess after living about 6 weeks in a complete fog I have emerged. Unfortunately, not unscathed. And neither has my family.
My boys were on my very last nerve...literally. I had heard one too many arguements, one too many excuses, and the absolute last back talk. There was no "wit" left...I was simply at the end. So, it was no surprise when shortly after my husband got home from work today and was just kicking back in his man chair, that the following exchange happened.
Jared: "That's not fair, Mom. It was not my fault!!!!"
Me: "Jared, stop talking, close your mouth, do not say anther word"
Jared: "Mooooommmmmmm!!!!!"
Me: "I am not kidding...not another word"
Jared: no words...but I promise the most hateful look, complete with furrowed brows and pouty lip
Me: disclaimer...remember how stressed I was..."Jared, I promise you if you do not change your attitude, I will RIP YOUR FACE right off your head"
Jared turns and leaves the room
Husband (from man chair) "Did you just say, 'rip your face off your head?'"
Me: almost laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes..."My mind was thinking of, 'wipe that look off your face'"
Husband (still in man chair) "Okay, I was just checking...wanted to clarify that."
Me: "Do you believe me now that I am stressed out? Need any more proof?"
So, for all the moms who have ever lost it, (and then found it) this is for you.
Perfect? No.
Forgiven? Yes.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Originally posted on October 19, 2007
It has been a really hard month. I feel like my life is just now catching up, and yet realizing at the same time, how far behind it still really is. I guess it has been more than a month, really. My husbands sister committed suicide on Aug 16th and then my best friend lost her dad unexpectedly a month later. So I guess after living about 6 weeks in a complete fog I have emerged. Unfortunately, not unscathed. And neither has my family.
My boys were on my very last nerve...literally. I had heard one too many arguements, one too many excuses, and the absolute last back talk. There was no "wit" left...I was simply at the end. So, it was no surprise when shortly after my husband got home from work today and was just kicking back in his man chair, that the following exchange happened.
Crack: "That's not fair, Mom. It was not my fault!!!!"
Me: "Son, stop talking, close your mouth, do not say anther word"
Crack: "Mooooommmmmmm!!!!!"
Me: "I am not kidding...not another word"
Crack: no words...but I promise the most hateful look, complete with furrowed brows and pouty lip
Me: disclaimer...remember how stressed I was..."Son, I promise you if you do not change your attitude, I will RIP YOUR FACE right off your head"
He turns and leaves the room
Husband (from man chair) "Did you just say, 'rip your face off your head?'"
Me: almost laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes..."My mind was thinking of, 'wipe that look off your face'"
Husband (still in man chair) "Okay, I was just checking...wanted to clarify that."
Me: "Do you believe me now that I am stressed out? Need any more proof?"
So, for all the moms who have ever lost it, (and then found it) this is for you.
Perfect? No.
Forgiven? Yes.
It has been a really hard month. I feel like my life is just now catching up, and yet realizing at the same time, how far behind it still really is. I guess it has been more than a month, really. My husbands sister committed suicide on Aug 16th and then my best friend lost her dad unexpectedly a month later. So I guess after living about 6 weeks in a complete fog I have emerged. Unfortunately, not unscathed. And neither has my family.
My boys were on my very last nerve...literally. I had heard one too many arguements, one too many excuses, and the absolute last back talk. There was no "wit" left...I was simply at the end. So, it was no surprise when shortly after my husband got home from work today and was just kicking back in his man chair, that the following exchange happened.
Crack: "That's not fair, Mom. It was not my fault!!!!"
Me: "Son, stop talking, close your mouth, do not say anther word"
Crack: "Mooooommmmmmm!!!!!"
Me: "I am not kidding...not another word"
Crack: no words...but I promise the most hateful look, complete with furrowed brows and pouty lip
Me: disclaimer...remember how stressed I was..."Son, I promise you if you do not change your attitude, I will RIP YOUR FACE right off your head"
He turns and leaves the room
Husband (from man chair) "Did you just say, 'rip your face off your head?'"
Me: almost laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes..."My mind was thinking of, 'wipe that look off your face'"
Husband (still in man chair) "Okay, I was just checking...wanted to clarify that."
Me: "Do you believe me now that I am stressed out? Need any more proof?"
So, for all the moms who have ever lost it, (and then found it) this is for you.
Perfect? No.
Forgiven? Yes.
Early Morning
This morning I had a really weird thing happen. First, I woke up around 4:40am and was WIDE awake. Not only fully swake, but somehow fully aware, if that makes any sense. My awareness led me in one direction...straight to the cross. I felt the huge urgency to pray. To go before my Lord and seek his peace and his direction. It was so wonderful. I went to sleep last night with a lot on my mind and shared my heavy heart with my husband(that is another blog) and after a few tears and a lot of laughter(hence the need for a blog on that) I went to sleep. I feared that I would wake up with a heavy heart and instead I woke up refreshed, and although I was not burdoen free, I was worry free. And, with my new frame of mind, I was able to spend about 20 minutes quietly praying before I got up and joined my husband for coffee. Thank you Lord, I needed the refreshment, and you, as always did not dissappoint.
Psalm 139:7-12
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:7-12
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Blending
Oh, how I love to home school my children. Although it is really tough some days, the rewards far out number them. One of my favorite things has been teaching my children to read. My two oldest are 11 and almost 10 so the days have been numbered since we have been blending letters. But, alas, our daughter is 4 and has been very eager to read so we started her this year. We were just working on reading one of her "Little Books" and it starts with just saying the blends of certain letters that will be in this particular book. That was easy enough...she did them all perfectly. Then it goes on to blending two letters together. The first one was "fi" . So we dutifully worked on it and got it down...like pulling teeth almost but she got it and we were off to the next page..."fit" so she sounds out each letter by itself and then I show her that the first two make up the blend we just did and all she has to do is add the last letter. Not hard right??? Well, somehow she started making the "o" sound and then emerged the "g" sound. And by this time I am thinking...lets leave well enough alone. She was already done with her daily work and finished with school for the day but she brought it to me and asked if we could read "her" books, and I obliged. But, instead of leaving well enough alone I tried in vain to get the three letter blend out of her before we put it up. So I said, Lets try saying, "Mom, the blend says 'fi'." Instead she ended the lesson with...
"Momma, the bin is flend"
I fell out and put the books up.
"Momma, the bin is flend"
I fell out and put the books up.
Addiction
My brother Sam is a Meth Addict. He overdosed(which I think is a horrible word because there is no good "dose" when it comes to Meth) on Monday and is detoxing right now in a county facility in California. He is not even 21 yet and he has already been through rehab once. The hallucinations that he has had during the past 48 hours are truely demonic in nature...really scary, and a total reality that my family has to not only live through but witness. The paranoia is unreal...it alone could kill him. My parents are devestated as are all of us who call him brother. This is not a kind drug. It is horrible beyond comprehension. Worse than what you could ever imagine. I believe it is Satan's new drug of choice. It is life altering...brain damage is not unusaul...and it actually changes who you are...even when you have come down off of it. It does not discriminate...rich, poor, young or old...the list could go on...it is simply death.
Please pray and interceed on behalf of my brother Sam. Pray for his ears to open and his eyes be made to see. May he seek the Lord not to save him from himself but to REDEEM him for eternity. He NEEDS JESUS...and Jesus is so courting him...and we pray that Sam hears and obeys.
I am begging you to interceed...please.
Please pray and interceed on behalf of my brother Sam. Pray for his ears to open and his eyes be made to see. May he seek the Lord not to save him from himself but to REDEEM him for eternity. He NEEDS JESUS...and Jesus is so courting him...and we pray that Sam hears and obeys.
I am begging you to interceed...please.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Don't say it because I already know it...I am a total crybaby. I always cry at Hallmark commercials, Lifetime Movies, Extreme Home Makeover, and A Baby Story. Heck, I still cry EVERY time I hear our National Anthem(and do not even mention Taps). So it should not surprise you that my kids get it honestly.
One of my sweetest memories was when our family was watching the remake of Cheaper by the Dozen, and "FedEx" -the red headed brother-runs away. I, who was secretly teary, looked over at my younger son Jake(who is not usually my tenderhearted one) and he was crying. It really caught me off guard. He was really connecting with the story and with the sadness that the little boy was feeling. He was probably about 6 years old, but somehow, he really got it, and it broke my heart. I have seen similar moments in him since then, and it never ceases to make me teary. One thing that I always strived to do as a parent, from very early on, was to instill empathy in my children. It turns out to be quite the task in such a self-centered world, but moments like this one restore my hope. Those kind of tears make me proud.
Another teary moment came a few weeks ago when our oldest son came into my room about twenty minutes after we had sent him to bed. He asked if he could talk to me, and I immediatly knew that something was wrong. He started bawling, I mean really choked up, sobbing and I kept telling him that I could not help him until he shared with me what was going on. He finally got it togther(still sobbing, but understandable now) and said that he just could not tell me because we would be so upset and we would never trust him again. Fast forward 15minutes and he finally gets around to confessing a bad choice he made 9 months ago at a sleepover. This was made worse (in his mind) because he knew that I was uneasy about him being with that particular group(it was his year end baseball party...good kids, but a few bad apples among them) And he had worked very hard to convince us that he would be fine. Here he was...9 months later, and he was so convicted about deceiving us, that he said he could not sleep. Come to find out, we had been reading a book about the true character of a man, and that the decisions he makes in secret are the ones that tell what he is truely made of. Well, Jared had been mulling over this incident in light of that reading and conviction came upon him. I'll take those kind of tears any day.
Lastly, our daughter Micah. She is only 3 1/2, and her emotions are mainly love, joy, and happiness mixed in with the occasional evil eye, or pouty lip. But yesterday she blew me away. Let me set the stage...for the past 12 or 13 years I have been performing dramatic mimes, set to music, at our church. The last time I did one it was about 4 years ago.(actually while prego with Micah) But our worship pastor asked me to perform one during Easter this year. So yesterday, we all headed into town, dropped the boys and Jeff at baseball practice and Micah and I headed to the church so I could practice on stage. The music started (Watch the Lamb by Ray Boltz) and I began to run through the motions. About a minute into it I look down, and Micah is sobbing on the front row. I kept going through the motions but I asked her what is wrong. She tells me that she can not find her page in the Avon book that has the Backyardigans on it. So, I ran down, found it and then resumed. She quieted down but halfway through the second run through she was sobbing again. I went and sat next to her and asked "Why the tears???" She said, "Mommy that song makes me so sad" I hugged her and told her it was okay to be sad. Jesus died on the cross, but then I told her that we should rejoice because he did not stay there, he arose. After thinking for a moment I asked her if she was going to okay. She said,"Yes, but I can not hear that song anymore, because it makes me hurt to be that sad." Tears because she was moved, I will take those any day too.
Tears of empathy, tears of conviction, and tears of sadness...priceless. Next time you think of a crybaby, think again, they might just be the most mature person in the room.
One of my sweetest memories was when our family was watching the remake of Cheaper by the Dozen, and "FedEx" -the red headed brother-runs away. I, who was secretly teary, looked over at my younger son Jake(who is not usually my tenderhearted one) and he was crying. It really caught me off guard. He was really connecting with the story and with the sadness that the little boy was feeling. He was probably about 6 years old, but somehow, he really got it, and it broke my heart. I have seen similar moments in him since then, and it never ceases to make me teary. One thing that I always strived to do as a parent, from very early on, was to instill empathy in my children. It turns out to be quite the task in such a self-centered world, but moments like this one restore my hope. Those kind of tears make me proud.
Another teary moment came a few weeks ago when our oldest son came into my room about twenty minutes after we had sent him to bed. He asked if he could talk to me, and I immediatly knew that something was wrong. He started bawling, I mean really choked up, sobbing and I kept telling him that I could not help him until he shared with me what was going on. He finally got it togther(still sobbing, but understandable now) and said that he just could not tell me because we would be so upset and we would never trust him again. Fast forward 15minutes and he finally gets around to confessing a bad choice he made 9 months ago at a sleepover. This was made worse (in his mind) because he knew that I was uneasy about him being with that particular group(it was his year end baseball party...good kids, but a few bad apples among them) And he had worked very hard to convince us that he would be fine. Here he was...9 months later, and he was so convicted about deceiving us, that he said he could not sleep. Come to find out, we had been reading a book about the true character of a man, and that the decisions he makes in secret are the ones that tell what he is truely made of. Well, Jared had been mulling over this incident in light of that reading and conviction came upon him. I'll take those kind of tears any day.
Lastly, our daughter Micah. She is only 3 1/2, and her emotions are mainly love, joy, and happiness mixed in with the occasional evil eye, or pouty lip. But yesterday she blew me away. Let me set the stage...for the past 12 or 13 years I have been performing dramatic mimes, set to music, at our church. The last time I did one it was about 4 years ago.(actually while prego with Micah) But our worship pastor asked me to perform one during Easter this year. So yesterday, we all headed into town, dropped the boys and Jeff at baseball practice and Micah and I headed to the church so I could practice on stage. The music started (Watch the Lamb by Ray Boltz) and I began to run through the motions. About a minute into it I look down, and Micah is sobbing on the front row. I kept going through the motions but I asked her what is wrong. She tells me that she can not find her page in the Avon book that has the Backyardigans on it. So, I ran down, found it and then resumed. She quieted down but halfway through the second run through she was sobbing again. I went and sat next to her and asked "Why the tears???" She said, "Mommy that song makes me so sad" I hugged her and told her it was okay to be sad. Jesus died on the cross, but then I told her that we should rejoice because he did not stay there, he arose. After thinking for a moment I asked her if she was going to okay. She said,"Yes, but I can not hear that song anymore, because it makes me hurt to be that sad." Tears because she was moved, I will take those any day too.
Tears of empathy, tears of conviction, and tears of sadness...priceless. Next time you think of a crybaby, think again, they might just be the most mature person in the room.
Adjectives
Big Daddy,the love of my life, running in the rain, falling in the rain, having that slow motion romantic movie moment and knowing that he was the ONE, so funny that I laugh my self to sleep in secret most nights (so he doesn't know I think he is THAT funny), great story teller, awesome dad, even better husband, manly man, strong hands and sexy feet, can not grill to save his life and it's always at the expense of those eating, peanut butter lover, tuna hater, never seen him in a suit(don't want to either, he is a jeans man)
Crack, super smart, quick learner, avid reader, brick house(like his mom), crooked crack, "there's the moon", great with kids, loves his family, great friend, chick magnet, drama king, sleep talker,money spender, super slugger, kind hearted, great big brother, chocolate hater,horrible story teller.
Snake the snake, so hilarious, animal lover, super slueth who is great at puzzles, word searches, wheel of fortune, and I Spy, salad hater, sleep walker, tree climer, bug lover, tenderhearted, future heartbreaker and stand up comedian, introspective, non-risk taker if asked or pressured, but total risk taker if done on his own, money saver, super sweet tooth, keeper of all things.
The Beez, lover of all girly things, nail polish, lipstick, tea parties and feather boas, super snuggler, "skin" lover, Toby Mac fan, dumpling maker, bug hater, animal lover, daddy's girl, baby stalker, sleep giggler, goofy like Jake, talker like Jared, best eye brows ever, shoe addict, and "di pee-um" lover.
I was just counting my blessing and thinking of how different we all are and yet how we fit perfectly together. There is no other family on the earth that should be mine, this is the one...God is SO good!!!
Crack, super smart, quick learner, avid reader, brick house(like his mom), crooked crack, "there's the moon", great with kids, loves his family, great friend, chick magnet, drama king, sleep talker,money spender, super slugger, kind hearted, great big brother, chocolate hater,horrible story teller.
Snake the snake, so hilarious, animal lover, super slueth who is great at puzzles, word searches, wheel of fortune, and I Spy, salad hater, sleep walker, tree climer, bug lover, tenderhearted, future heartbreaker and stand up comedian, introspective, non-risk taker if asked or pressured, but total risk taker if done on his own, money saver, super sweet tooth, keeper of all things.
The Beez, lover of all girly things, nail polish, lipstick, tea parties and feather boas, super snuggler, "skin" lover, Toby Mac fan, dumpling maker, bug hater, animal lover, daddy's girl, baby stalker, sleep giggler, goofy like Jake, talker like Jared, best eye brows ever, shoe addict, and "di pee-um" lover.
I was just counting my blessing and thinking of how different we all are and yet how we fit perfectly together. There is no other family on the earth that should be mine, this is the one...God is SO good!!!
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