I'm still here...I think

This is my 10th entry in the past week. I am sad to say that none of them have emerged from the edit column to the post column. That is the consequence of only having 5 minutes of time to tell days worth of stories. I will catch up I promise. Our new cabinets have been installed, baseball ahs begun, and our school year is coming to a close. More on all that later. As for now, here is one thing of note, God is doing some serious stuff in our lives right now. REALLY BIG stuff...not necessarily fun stuff, but amazing in that GOd kind of way. Pray for us, pray for me.

Yippee

Just had to stop and sit down in all my painting mess and let God have His due. Like I posted, the remodel has been all headache and no reward. I was so sick of the frustrations, one in particular, the ceiling.
After removing the popcorn texture, which was SO easy, even if REALLY messy, we fixed some of the problem areas. When we removed the wall, there was obviously part of the ceiling that needed to be patched with drywall and joint compound. Once again, not too difficult, but a little time consuming to say the least. But then we really hit the headache. After much discussion and research, we had decided to re-texture the ceiling by hand, not with a hopper. We thought at the time this was the less mess, less hang up option. But after SIX days of disaster..with not even one application going as we hoped, we had given up hope.
On Wednesday night when I got home from church, my husband was bummed with the progress or lack there of, and was ready to buy ceiling tiles to cover the entire kitchen ceiling. That is not the look I was going for and in my mind I just saw more opportunity for problems.
So, I asked my DH if I could take one last shot at making it work. He was hesitant, but agreed. I agreed, as well, that if my last ditch effort failed then we would go with his option. So this morning, before my feet hit the ground, I covered my ceiling in prayer.
I know, that seems silly, but I just asked that the Lord give me wisdom and patience. And that my husband, not matter my failure or success, would not be stressed with the situation. I pleaded with my Lord, not for a miracle, just a respite. Just a little light at the end of this mess.
I guess, you already know that HE showed up in a HUGE way.
After six days of trawling the texture on with no success, and six days of trying to roll the texture on with even LESS success. I had the idea to apply the texture with one of the huge sponges that we cleaned the grout with when we laid the ceramic tile. And guess what? It totally worked, it looked GREAT, and it is done!!!
Yes, I said done. After six day of failure, one morning of prayer led me to the promised land. I completed the entire kitchen and hallway in about 4 hours.
How about a little praise dance yall? This was so huge in so many ways...you might not fully get it...but I do. And I am grateful.
Who knew He was such a pro at kitchen remodeling? Especially with the hangups and the disasters?
I guess, He has been practicing lately.
I wonder what he has been remodeling here of late?
Could it be me?
Yes, indeed!!!

Remodeling...more than I bargained for

We are still working on our kitchen remodel. We decided 3 weeks ago to have custom cabinets made and installed by a professional. We were kind of stuck after the cabinets that we planned to install ourselves were discontinued. Since we were not going to be able to match our existing ones, we decided to start all over and pay someone else to have the headache. I was so looking forward to doing "our" part and let the heavy weights handle all the hard stuff. We were going to have 3-4 weeks to patch the drywall where we had removed a wall, remove the popcorn from the ceiling and re-texture it, fix a plumbing issue, and remove the existing cabinets.

Easy enough, right?

WRONG!!!

It has been one headache after another. Both my DH and I were wearing thin, and it was really getting to the point of not even being excited about the beautiful cabinets that would be arriving once we tackled "our" part. I was ready to throw my entire kitchen out the window...and would have, but that would have been one more drywall patch that I would have to do and it just wasn't worth it in the end.

Everything, and I mean everything has been a problem. Not one thing went according to plan. Most things didn't even go by plan B or plan C...that's how bad it has been.

Then just when I think I see the light at the end of the nightmare, I see that God has a remodel of His own in mind.

I shake my head in wonder. What is HE thinking? Why now? Why this area? Why can't I just remodel my kitchen now and my soul later?

Then I am reminded that God often speaks to me when my world is already slightly off kilter. Like when there is all kinds of turmoil around me and everything seems shaken, He comes in and shakes me. I am beginning to see that I often miss his subtle clues and hence when I finally pick up on His still small voice, it is only because I have given up on everything else. I am at my whits end, and unable to take any more.

And there He is saying, "Did we really have to go through this all again?"

Than slowly, it unravels before me. My hindsight is amazing! I mean, I could really get lost in bragging about how clear I see the signs when I am looking at them from this side. Yep, there it is, the small nudging of my Father to slow down and listen. And there it is again, that verse that came to me...out of the blue. And then I see Him speaking to me through others, and then in my prayer life...and YET I never listened and heeded.

And now, here I am. Disheveled and ashamed of my own "cabinetry". Aware of every flaw, and in pride, still pointing out that everybody else is worse off.

I guess my life, like my kitchen, was in worse shape than originally believed. And only in removing the old, and tearing down the rotted frame work, was the real transformation even possible.

I want more than anything for my real kitchen to be beautiful and a shining example of the hard work that has been put into it.

But more than that, I want to be a new creation. A shining example of what a True Master can do with a shabby excuse for a disciple. I realize that remodeling is always more work than new construction. Instead of building from the ground up, you must weigh what is worth keeping and what must be replaced.

Remodeling always involves removing the old and replacing it with the new. It just hurts so bad.

I am trying to be a visionary. Trying to find that place of new creatures, of solid foundations. But the cost seems so steep. And I am not feeling worth it.

But maybe I can cling to the fact that He says I am.

Not only that, but that I can be transformed. Made new.

Me and my kitchen, are gettin a face lift.

Bear with me. He's not done with me just yet.

The Splinter

Tonight I had to do what every mother hates to do. I had to remove a splinter from my daughters heel. Not just any splinter, but one that had been there a few days, unknown to me. So, I had her take a nice long bath and told her that after she had soaked awhile, we would go in the living room and I would get the tweezers out and remove it.
Well, the time had come, and she was very brave. I spent a few moments looking it over trying to figure my best course of attack. I had some tweezers, some medical scissors, and some clippers, all of which just heightened her anxiety.
After a few unsuccessful attempts, she started crying hysterically. I tried to sooth her and calm her down, but nothing was working. I tried again, and this time she started hollering, " Momma, stop! Stop! No more, it's too painful when you touch it."
I stopped messing with it and tried to explain that it was hurting because the splinter had been in there a few days and we had to get it out so that it would not get infected.
I began again, with sobs still flooding in, and I finally made a little progress. I retrieved a small portion of the splinter. I showed it to her, thinking she would be glad that I had some of it out, but instead she started wailing again. This time she wanted only one thing.
"Momma, I need to snuggle with you for a minute. Please, Momma."
I took her in my arms, stroked her hair, and wiped her tear stained face. I began telling her how sorry I was that it was hurting, but sometimes it has to hurt a little more, before it gets better. I explained about having to take nasty medicine, to feel better; about shots, that hurt for a minute but keep us from getting sick. She seemed to understand, but it still just killed me to have to cause her pain, even if for the good.
I gave her a quick squeeze and began to think of all the times, that my Heavenly Father had done the same for me. How many times, I was given just a quick respite during a painful time of growth. Just enough to catch my breath, and catch His grace. How He lovingly reassures me in my distress, wipes my tears, and gives me just enough for the next part of the journey.
As I laid her back and began to work again on the splinter, it got worse before it got better. The tears were heavy and the sobs were heart breaking so I stopped to give her another respite but nothing prepared me for her next outcry as I embraced her.
"Momma, this is just like getting a spanking."
While it broke my heart, it also made me smile. On the few occasions when she has gotten a spanking, she is always more broken hearted than she is anything else. I have to hug her before and after her spanking, and then again multiple times in the following hours, as she is still dealing with the broken heart aspect of the spanking.
After I soothed her tears, I explained that a spanking is used to correct bad behavior and that is different from the splinter. The sadness or heart break that she was feeling was similar in each scenario, but the reason for the feelings were polar opposites. Yet in each instance, she wanted comfort and grace from me.
I guess, I am the same way with my Father. I want Him to comfort me just the same, whether I was in sin, or if I was in pain. I just want His arms around me.
How often do I exchange one feeling for the other.
Thank you Jesus, for loving me despite my sin.
Thank you Father for loving me in my pain.

Blessed be the...

I was just getting my daughter ready to head out for a day with my mom and sisters and she was all ready except for her hair. We debated for a moment over hair ribbons or bows, and then over piggies or ponies when she started singing "Blessed be Your Name". She got through it once and just when I was about tear up she started the second run through. This time it went something like this, "Blessed be these piggies, may they be the ones that do not hurt."

Then the tears went from joy to hilarity.

Darkest Day

I am trying so hard to validate this day in light of the cross. We are in such a busy tailspin right now and yet somehow, even in the midst of the storms of life, this week I have felt oddly at peace, somehow safely in the eye of the storm. Somehow, by God's graciousness, I have been keenly aware of this week in the oddest of times.
Like, tonight, in the drive-thru line, we were witness to the most spectacular sunset. Right there, among corn dogs, french fries, and cherry lime-aid, I had a gift from my Lord. A grand distinction from two thousand years ago, the darkest of days.

I am anxious.

I have been grieving His death.

I am ready for the morning.

Oh, come Lord, like a flood.

Let me celebrate the empty tomb.

Let me remember the power of the resurrection is here today, living and true.

Let me live the ransomed life.

Amazing Grace

Once again, here it is a week later and nothing new . Our life has been so hectic and there seems to be no end in sight. With baseball season here, and both boys playing we will be even crazier in the coming weeks.

So for now, I just want to take a moment a reflect.

I do not want to miss this Easter season. I do not want to get caught up in egg hunts, cupcakes and marshmallow peeps and overlook the thorns, the nail pierced hands, and the empty grave.

I want to immerse myself in Calvary and rejoice in His resurrection. In this moment, my mind will forget about the remodel, the clothes that need to be hung up, the grass that needs cutting, and the Easter baskets that need filling.

Instead, Lord, fill my mind with all that put Your Son on the Cross that day. All my own short comings. All my sins. All my denials. All my fence walking.

My idol worship that spit in the face of your only Son.

My pride that gambled for His robe.

My gluttony that pierced His side.

My anger that ridiculed Him.

My bitterness like vinegar to His lips.

My blasphemy like thorns around his head.

Oh, Lord forgive me. I am all of these things now, and I was all of these things then. You died for all mankind's sin, and yet you would have done the same if just for me. I am not worthy of your love, let alone your death.

May I honor you with my life, it is all that I have.

Thank you for your AMAZING GRACE, truly how sweet the sound.